It’s happened. Maybe you were afraid of this. Or, maybe it blindsided you but… it’s happened. Your daughter didn’t make the dance team. Your son was passed over for the scholarship. Your child didn’t get the part or solo or moment in the sun for which he/she worked so hard.
Now what? Your son is hurting. Your daughter comes to you crying. S/he may look to you to make it all better.
DO:
Parent your child through this setback and support them in becoming a more resilient and confident human being. When your child is faced with a letdown, you have a great opportunity to encourage your son or daughter to face and rise above the obstacles that come their way. It may not feel like a gift but it is.
DON’T:
Fix it. As a parent, your first instinct may be to try. However, just as it is a parent’s role to help his baby become proficient in feeding himself, assist her preschooler in learning to use a potty, and teach her grade-school child to tie his shoelaces, it is a parent’s often unhappy duty to give a blossoming young adult the tools they need to cope with disappointment.
That’s Life
This article from Parent magazine is meant for parents of young children. However, as I researched this issue across age groups, the methods for helping children deal with disappointment listed in the article, were corroborated. I have adapted many of them to fit the situation your pre-teen or teen dancer may be facing.
A. Gauge Your Child’s Resiliency
Does your child tend to take things personally? Does she usually have a positive outlook? This article, Helping Kids Handle Rejection & Disappointment, has a handy 5-question quiz that will help you place your child’s resiliency.
At this time, it may also be a good idea to make a mental note about how YOU feel about your child’s setback. As the above article so rightly states: “Your attitude can make a huge difference to how a child reacts. If you see rejection or disappointments as problems then your child will be hamstrung by this view.”
B. Tailor Your Tactics
When it is a BIG Deal
1. Validate the emotions.
“I know you are disappointed. It’s okay. I would be too.”
2. Help him recognize what can and cannot be changed.
What can be changed, of course, are the things regarding self, including one’s attitude. What cannot be changed are the actions and decisions of others. Despite hard work and determination and talent sometimes you just don’t get what your heart desires. It is a hard truth, but one we all learn one way or another. The difference in people is how they respond to that truth. Those that move on and continue to work hard are the ones that fulfill the adage that “if you work hard or set your mind to something, you can be anything you want to be.”
3. Redirect her attention toward something in which she is (or is likely to be) successful.
She will likely see through empty or untrue sentiments about why she was unsuccessful or how she was wronged. No matter how small, a real boost to the ego will be much more effective. What comes easily to her that doesn’t for everyone? What has she been recognized for in the past? What activity might be more suited for her qualities and talents?
4. Don’t punish or belittle his negative reaction.
After all, everyone needs to let it out sometimes.
5. Offer choices or alternatives
Help her realize that though she didn’t make the team or get the part she wanted, that she still gets to dance. She has the freedom to take some extra classes elsewhere, or in another style, or during a summer workshop. These are things that may improve her chances next time but, more importantly, they will strengthen, improve, and challenge her. Alternatively, she may have time to spend on favorite activities or pursue other interests outside of dance. Ask what she wants to do now. How does she want to proceed from here? What can be most disruptive about disappointment is the feeling of having no control over a situation. Choice can help your child regain that feeling of having a say.
6. Put it in perspective
Volunteer at a hospital, help her organize a dance performance at a nursing home, work together at a soup kitchen, walk for charity. Find or do something that helps your child recognize how fortunate they are and reduces her “big deal” to its proportional size in the scheme of things.
7. Let her solve it on her own.
Once again, resist trying to fix things. Even if she wants you to come to her rescue, resist the urge to pacify her hurt by taking action or dwelling upon things that cannot be changed (a studio director’s decision, the reality of another child’s skills or talent, the criteria for recognition by another…). This is not easy but children are often more resilient than we give them credit. Though kids of all ages may be quick to dramatize their displeasure, many bounce right back. Look carefully at your child for cues, don’t bring up their disappointment if, by the next day, all seems right with the world again. Accept that your child may have recovered more quickly than you have!
Want more coping methods? Try How To Overcome Disappointment
Your good example will make a world of difference
Watch what you say: “I’m sorry you didn’t get 1st place at the competition. What did the 1st place team do well? What do you think you’ll work on for next time?” (What to avoid saying: “I can’t believe you didn’t win! You were the best dancer there! The judges are clueless.” or “Next time you need to point your toes. Your pirouettes were the worst I’ve ever seen you do. What were you thinking?’)
Tell what you did: Share your experiences with disappointment, what you learned from them, where failures led you, how you felt and what you did to overcome.
Be careful what you do: How do you react when you face disappointment or failure or frustration? Do you throw a tantrum at the checkout when the clerk makes a mistake? Do you gripe about your boss when you don’t get a promotion? Do you quit when the going gets rough? Behavior like this sends a message to your child.
When to step in
Is there a time when you should step in to solve something for your child? My short answer is almost never.
If you feel like you absolutely must act on his/her behalf, you may want to read How to Discuss Problems With Your Studio Director and Be Heard.
When it comes to decisions about roles or teams, however, it is important to realize that work ethic and even abilities are not the sole criteria from which directors cast their shows or teams. You may disagree with the specifications but it is within a director’s right to select and judge based upon a standard of his/her choosing.
You might approach him with a desire to know and understand his process but demanding he defend a decision does not put you or your child at an advantage. (Think about it: How or under what circumstances would you demand this of a prospective employer that passed you over for a job? What about your current employer if you were not selected for promotion?)
When your son/daughter receives a “no thank you,” your goal is to gain understanding so that you might help your child cope with the decision. The director will see through attempts of getting your child on the team or winning your dancer that role if that is your underlying ambition and you’ll hit a roadblock if it is.
When hard work doesn’t pay off
(I’ll repeat) Occasionally, despite hard work and determination your child may not always get what her heart desires. It is a hard truth, but one we all learn one way or another. The difference in people is how they respond to that truth. You and your child both must accept this truth and look for the positive in every disappointment.
In addition, when it comes to hard work, attitude, or any other virtue, what a person deserves is not always what he will get. Thank goodness I don’t always get what I deserve because sometimes I don’t deserve what I get!
Accomplishments ≠ Who We Are
It is sometimes easy to confuse our accomplishments and awards with who we are. In our culture we place a lot of emphasis on the achievements for which a person has been recognized – she is a two-time Olympic medalist; he is a famous actor who has won numerous stage and screen awards. These things say little of who a person really is. In addition, these recognitions only look back never forward.
Who is this dancer becoming?
In children especially, where one is going should matter a whole lot more than where one has been. Accomplishments and met goals are how we develop self-confidence in our abilities, however, we are not defined by our achievements. In fact, often we are shaped more by our failures. They are a good test of how badly we want something. They can also set us on new, more appropriate paths. It is despite and sometimes because of obstacles or disappointments that we become a dancer, a doctor, or something completely opposite but all the more right than whatever it is we want (or wanted) to be.
What disappointments have you or your child faced recently?
How did you deal with them?
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Nichelle (owner/editor)
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Great message, Nichelle. It applies to so many aspects of raising children, not just to dancers. I’ve linked to the post on College Parent Central. At this time when so many students – and their parents – are waiting for college acceptance letters, the message is especially important.
Vicki,
Thank you so much for sharing the article with your readers! I do think there is a universal message here and I so appreciate your help in continuing the conversation and bringing it to other audiences. I will share your post on Facebook, Twitter, etc. – can’t wait to read your upcoming article!
Nichelle
This is a wonderful article. Thank you for providing it.
Thank you so much for this article! I am a music teacher and recently have had a lot of difficulty with a parent who was not helping her child in reaction to her not making the school talent show. I found this while searching for articles I might link in the future to other auditions.
Hi Carrie, and welcome! I’m glad that you found this useful and that the article has applications beyond dance. So often the child gets over it long before the parent so stand your ground and focus on helping the student if he/she is still concerned or upset. I of course appreciate any sharing you do of the article. Best of luck to you in handling your situation – it’s not easy!
Thank you so much for publishing this! It will help me to let my daughter know that she didn’t make the IP program at her dance school! She is the one who wanted to try out, but I’m taking the news harder than I’m sure she will. The hardest part of parenting is watching your child deal with hurts and disapointment! Thanks again!
So glad you’ve found this useful. Best of luck to you and your daughter. Let us know how you decide to break the news and how it goes!
Thank you for this. My teen daughter didn’t make an elite group within her dance team………she seemed to be taking it well, then boom all of a sudden she’s wanting to drop out totally (she loved this team & the director prior to). I’m telling her that she needs continue. She asked me to speak with her director and I told her I can’t “fix” every disappointment. I encouraged her to speak to the director. So, she projected her anger towards me saying that I’m forcing her to continue in a stressful situation. I’m at a loss…….but I will follow your advice and let her figure this out with me just loving her and listening to her. She will be an “adult” in a few years and I can’t manage her life for her. I hope I do this right……..
I hope this worked out well for you and your daughter, Kristi. And, for you too Frances! I know how hard it is, no matter the age of the child.
And for others in the “I want to quit” zone, you might have a look here: https://www.danceadvantage.net/2011/07/23/quitting-dance/
I never knew that being a parent was going to hurt so much. I’m sure that in my adolescence I had a lot of disappointment (in fact I know I had). I was resilient now that I look back and hope my daughter will be too. Tonight she found out that she did not make the dance team at her middle school. After talking with her, I search and found your article. I was happy that I used most of your advice here. It really helped my hurting I think I need more counseling than she does. It hurts a great deal. She doesn’t want to go to school in the morning. I told her she needed to be strong and hiding wasn’t going to make it better. However, it’s her choice if that’s what she thinks will help her through this. I think she will change her mind in the morning.
Two years after this article was originally written, the theme continues. Our children suffer some kind of disappointment and we parents feel the pain. We have trouble letting it go. It is harder to see your child disappointed or hurt than suffering it yourself. Helping our children, whatever their age, learn how to deal with the disappointment and grow from it is the hardest and best work that we can do. It doesn’t go away. As the parent of now grown daughters, I still see them in situations that cause me pain – because I know that fixing it is the worse thing that I could do for them. Thanks again for this article that reminds us all that we are not alone.
Thanks for saying so, Vicki! That means a lot. 🙂
Well Nichelle, What if it happens AGAIN? How do I help my 7th grader cope with the rejection the second time around. As a trained dancer myself, I see that she has all the technical elements, work ethic, more talent than some girls who made the team She has poured her heart and soul into practice maxing out on class hours and working at home, and being patient.Now what?….
I can feel from your comment, Nell, how tough this is for you. As a parent, I soooo get how hard it is to see your child hurting and getting less than what she deserves. So I’m not responding lightly when I say that when it happens again, all the same advice applies. A challenging life lesson, for sure, is that sometimes no matter how hard we work, we don’t get what we want. But you love and lead her through this time the same way you loved her and led her through the last time, and you remind her that sometimes a ‘no’ is actually for the best (now may be the time to share a time in your own life when this was the case). Another ‘no’ could be a signal that it’s time to shift focus away from the team. Not necessarily from dance, but a new avenue for dance, a new way to enjoy it and experience it then via a competitive team. It may mean hard choices – a change in studio, for example. But dance is so much more than making a team, and so is your daughter. She and her dancing are not defined by whether or not she follows this one ‘track’. Maybe this will be a catalyst for finding the path that’s truly right for her; a dream come true and one that makes her happier than she ever could have been on the team.
hi Nichelle Good day to you… my problem is how to deal with my child who’s rank in school rank down he used to be in top 2 but this quarter he is only on top 5 i feel sad and disappointing for my son cause i know he will be very disappointing too about it he once said that he’s Christmas gift for me is that he will rank first in school, though he still gets much higher grade than last quarter its just that his classmate do their best than him, how can i motivate him? how can i deal with it that i my self is disappointing about it. pls help
thanks
joanna
What a GREAT article! If only all parents read this and followed this advice, my job would be nearly hassle free! Thank you Nichelle, I am definitely sharing this.